I really admire those people who know what happened this past year. The main events, the big publishing sensations, the shocking political revelations , except they are not so much shocking now, just stages in the degradation of public life that has somehow has become accepted as inevitable.
I don’t know which were the best books of the year because I read books from other years, like a normal person. Same with films. All this is to say I will be doing my round up of the things I liked, later.
Like after I have got though the next few days of captivity.
For now, though you all desperately need my tips on how to get through this period of compulsory joy..
This is an amalgam of “advice” I have given over the years.
The best thing to do is ignore it . My advice that is.
Obviously , I would like to be Nigella off her tits on cocktails, with unlikely kitchen implements, 12 billion tea lights and more adjectives than you can squidge into some culturally inappropriate, jewel -layered affair that quite frankly looks inedible . But that is not the point. No one drips thrice cooked entendres over a moist, glistening, semi- sloshed audiences like she does
Long may she continue.
But the truth is I am the Anti-Nigella and I cannot be arsed. Neither my store cupboards or vocabulary is big enough. Nor to be honest is my faith in this insane fantasy.
OK so here goes.
Gift is not verb. It’s as annoying as journaling so stop it now or relocate to Sausalito.
If you had shit Xmases as a child , years of therapy may make you vaguely less grudging but that’s about all. Just try to minimise the time it takes. You can get it down to 4 hours I reckon, if you ignore all the crap that is on TV.
IF, at this age you don’t know you how to make your roast potatoes crispy or no longer care about making your sprouts interesting. Give it up. Don’t even try. Gravy and stuffing are all that matters. Bisto and Paxo are your friends.
Christmas Cons: Crackers. £25 for a tiny pair of useless tweezers. What a hilarious joke.
Scented candles. HOW MUCH FOR FEELING VAGUELY CHOKED TO DEATH???
Christmas Jumpers: Anyone who has to wear jokes instead of tell them must be avoided at all costs.
Posh people painting twigs on TV. Bog off and go to Tiger Tiger like normal people. When trying to recreate the perfect Victorian Xmas it’s as well to remember these people had servents.
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